Here are some memorable jokes shared by Colin Quinn in his show Long Story Short:
On History:
You ever notice how history is just a series of guys who say, ‘I’ll take care of it,’ and then make it worse?
History is just a bunch of stuff that happens, and then we look back and say, ‘Yeah, that was totally predictable, except we had no idea.
On Civilization:
The Egyptians built the pyramids. Then, 2,000 years later, we come along and go, ‘Hey, nice work, fellas. We’re gonna do a bunch of stuff, then just leave it here to rot.'
We started out in caves and then we built cities, and now we’re back to living in apartments where we don’t even know our neighbors.
On the World’s Empires:
Every empire falls because the people at the top start getting crazy. And you know who’s always the first to notice? The people at the bottom. That’s why every empire falls to peasants and slaves. They’re the ones going, ‘This guy’s a lunatic! Who made him emperor?'
On the Fall of Empires:
Empires always fall when the leaders start thinking they’re gods. That’s when they get lazy. They go, ‘I’m a god, so I’m gonna take the day off and let some people ruin everything.'
On the Fall of Rome:
The Romans had all the knowledge in the world, but the minute they started calling themselves ‘Romans’ instead of ‘people,’ everything went downhill.
On the Human Condition:
You can’t even blame people for doing stupid stuff. People always do stupid stuff. That’s why you have to have laws, or the stupid stuff just spreads.
On Human Nature:
Human beings have never figured out that people will always do what they want, and then just make up excuses for it later.
On Wars:
You ever notice how people always say, ‘War is terrible,’ and then someone else says, ‘Yeah, but I hear it’s good for the economy’? So... is it terrible or is it a free market solution?
On Revolutions:
Revolutions never work because after the revolution, the same people who were complaining about the government end up running the government. They just change the name tags.
On Philosophy:
Socrates used to ask, 'What is the meaning of life?' I think the real question is, ‘Why did he even ask that? Was he that bored?'
On Leadership:
Leaders always have to tell you what they’re doing is for your own good. That's why politicians are so great. They’re like, ‘I know you’re starving, but trust me, this is for your own good.’
On America:
In America, we tell people, ‘You can be anything you want to be,’ but deep down, you know there's like 11 things that are acceptable.
On Politics:
Politicians don't lie—they just omit the truth, which is what you do when you're trying to make a sandwich and you realize you’re out of bread.
On Technology:
We used to have to read books to learn things. Now, you can just Google it and have a 13-year-old tell you the truth.
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