deft definitions

Consultant: A man, who borrows your watch, tells you time and then sends you a bill.
Literature: The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.
Humour: Anything that makes you laugh but the finest sort draws a tear along with the laugh.
Critic: A legless man who teaches running.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell, in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Kindness: A language which the dumb can speak and the deaf can hear.
Conference: A gathering of important persons who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Banker: A fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Economist: An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
Statistician: Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
Programmer: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
Mathematician: A blind man in a dark room look for a black cat that isn’t there.
Topologist: Someone who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
Lawyer: A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a brief.
Professor: One who talks in someone else’s sleep.

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the most boring page on the internet

Some people are born boring; others like John Ingram, thrust boredom upon the rest of the world. And so as we tread upon the gargantuan bog called the Internet, we slip and wonder: why? Why did John Ingram create a site that has nothing but just 413 (exactly) words of text? Why did he create a site that has no meaning, no reason to exist, and no way to earn him even a cent, forget a fortune? But it takes all kinds, and Ingram is one of those. He is rational in his thought, grammatically correct in his writing (although) for some reason he hates capital letters), and has enough reasons to keep the world’s most boring site alive at all times since its “founding” in 1996. Is that why his site has now been translated into 12 languages including Finnish, French, Swedish, Norwegian, and, hold your breath, ladies and gentleman, Pig Latin? World War II is obviously history since here we have a German as well as a Hebrew translation sitting right next to each other. The site, Ingram informs us...

abort, retry, ignore poem

The infamous Abort, Retry, Ignore message box of Windows, with no option given to close it. Found this classic and fun poem about the "Abort, Retry, Ignore" message. I have been able to trace back the source to Annoyances.org. Here it is: Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more. Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,  Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.  But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.  "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"  One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,  Just, "Abort...

folding the brick - talent wasted on perfecting crease on glass

It is such a demeaning thought. A smartphone that has been able to do nothing more than pick up calls and take photos for nearly 20 years now, is on a new race. To get folded. A dumb expensive brick that it already is, today's so called smart-phones are the epitome of anti-innovation and waste of Earth's resources. A company today chooses to advertise its camera compared to its own from last year; and call it innovation. Obviously, siring five thousand talented staff from around the world means at least one line of improvement deserves to come out in the camera department. The same in the processor. But is this innovation? Innovation stopped on the day smartphone was made public. To give it a little credit: today's cameras take better pictures, but other that that, it's nothing. It has become a a slab, a brick! And now companies are on a new race to fold this brick. What could be more humourous and pathetic at the same time? Wasting so much of Earth's resources plus...

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