deft definitions

Consultant: A man, who borrows your watch, tells you time and then sends you a bill.
Literature: The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.
Humour: Anything that makes you laugh but the finest sort draws a tear along with the laugh.
Critic: A legless man who teaches running.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell, in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Kindness: A language which the dumb can speak and the deaf can hear.
Conference: A gathering of important persons who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Banker: A fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Economist: An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
Statistician: Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
Programmer: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
Mathematician: A blind man in a dark room look for a black cat that isn’t there.
Topologist: Someone who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
Lawyer: A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a brief.
Professor: One who talks in someone else’s sleep.

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